|
Sky (Spoil) Sports | August 1st 2011
Sky Sports is coming,
Bernie’s wallet’s fat,
please put a dish,
on the side of your flat.
If you can’t fit a dish,
then cable will do,
if you can’t afford the ransom,
then it’s highlights for you.
Hungaroring, Hungary | July 21st 2011
A damp start gives us hope of drama,
With sliding cars more like Gymkhana,
And lap times show it’s drift o’clock,
drivers more sideways than Ken Block.
Vettel can’t cruise at his leisure,
With Lewis piling on the pressure,
It doesn’t take him long at all,
to slip up just like Montreal.
Heidfeld pops in just for tyres,
But ends up with a car-bonfire,
As flames erupt the worst is feared,
That poor Nick may have singed his beard.
A race for Lewis on a plate,
In pieces when his car gyrates,
He spins it round quite carelessly,
And earns himself a penalty.
Just to go from bad to worse,
He stops in for some inters first,
But heavens above there is no rain,
His race has been washed down the drain.
Button back from a double non-finish,
Vettel’s lead still undiminished,
But it’s Jenson who can eat this cake,
As they head off on a summer break.
Nurburgring, Germany | July 24th 2011
They think it’s all over but maybe not now,
With no German on pole to please the home crowd.
Red Bull out front but a lesser seen face,
Lewis in the mirrors with astonishing pace.
Taking no prisoners in the dash for turn one,
Hamilton bolts but Mark’s late for the gun,
Vettel’s at sea and gets in a spin,
Is this really Seb or a less talented twin?
Buemi sees Heidfeld is trying to get past,
But thinks he will struggle if he’s out on the grass,
It certainly works at making him slower,
As the Renault becomes a V8 lawn mower.
Positions now seemingly all down to timing,
An early pit pays as it sends Webber climbing,
But luck is a lady that he seems to lack,
When the next stops sees Lewis undercutting him back.
A horse never far from heading the hunt,
Alonso’s Ferrari has pranced to the front,
But just two turns later and he’s on the slide,
A fearless Lewis drives right around the outside.
McLaren’s elation is set not to last,
As Button retires to collect his bus pass.
Four wheels on his wagon but with dodgy hydraulics,
His car brought to pasture before it goes asystolic.
Vettel appears stuck as the tail of Massa’s snake,
Adding fuel to the fire that he can’t overtake,
A reasonable question that has to be asked,
When it’s down to his pit crew that he finally gets past.
With 8 laps to go McLaren jump first,
Prime time for tyres but for just a small burst,
Alonso then follows but Webber stays out,
Pit wall hearts racing at who’s made the best shout.
Then out at the front flashes silver and red,
Hamilton shows critics that he can keep his head,
On the top step his face lit with hard earned glee,
A British battle won in the war on Germany.
Silverstone, UK | July 10th 2011
Webber takes the Saturday pole,
to keep the Red Bulls on a roll,
it seems as if they can’t be stopped,
diffusers blown off-throttle or not.
Vettel sharper off the start,
takes his place ahead of Mark,
whilst Lewis slices through the pack,
with not even a slight contact.
In the pits it’s less than slick,
and more akin to a Kwik Fit,
as Kamui thinks it might be fun,
to steal another teams wheel gun.
Button needs some fastening up,
makes off without a right wheel nut
and there’s no good news for Paul Di Resta
his tyres lost somewhere south of Leicester.
Down the road and all’s not well,
as Vettel has the stop from hell,
the bulls are slow but horses fast,
and the prancing stallion flashes past.
The fight now on to climb the field,
but determined Lewis just won’t yield,
Seb tries it all but has no luck,
so beats him with the undercut.
With Lewis running low on juice,
Webber tightens up the noose,
he punishes the lack of pace,
and steals the final podium place.
Two laps to go and Bulls lock horns,
team mates more like enemies sworn,
Christian tries to play the ref,
but by all accounts Mark has gone deaf.
And just behind the fight is on,
For Massa vs. Hamilton,
Lewis wants fourth at all costs,
a trip to the stewards required or not.
Alonso takes the highest step,
The championship not dead just yet,
but don’t bet against victory,
for Vettel at his home grand prix.
Valencia, Spain | June 26th 2011
A race with nothing much to say,
as title contenders slip away,
from lights-out until the flag,
Vettel had got it in the bag.
Perhaps it had no chance at all,
when on the tail of Montreal,
a circuit that they call a street,
but really just walls of concrete.
This track must be the one to keep,
for curing those who cannot sleep,
a race with action more eclectic,
has been witnessed on a scalextric.
Alonso pleases the home crowd,
and steals the lining from Red Bull’s cloud,
whilst Alguersuari gives a reason,
to keep him in a job next season.
For Silverstone we pray for rain,
so someone else can taste champagne,
or else the season could be over,
with Vettel in his Red Bulldozer.
Gilles Villeneuve Circuit, Canada | June 12th 2011
The race starts with a little fizzle,
for the sake of a light drizzle.
It’s not safe despite no lightning,
says Charlie ‘Health and Safety’ Whiting.
The curtain up, the race is go,
and finally unfolds a show.
You can be sure they’ll be some action,
wherever there’s a lack of traction.
Hamilton ever on the attack,
wants it all in just one lap,
but in the end his bumper car,
has taken one too many scars.
Three stewards enquiries in one race,
sets a different sort of pace,
but he keeps his toys inside the pram,
of his McLaren battering ram.
The team’s race is less than a peach,
as Jenson gets Alonso beached,
and in return he gets a flat,
which sends him to the rear of pack.
Behind a Mercedes they all meander,
not Nico or Michael but Bert Mylander
A great car yes but I’m sick to death,
of the sight of this gull winged SLS.
A race in reverse for his mistake,
like the Curious Case of his namesake,
but through the rain comes Jenson’s thunder,
with titanic resolve he won’t go under.
Now the track that was a lake,
on fire in his McLaren’s wake,
when Heidfeld brings Bert out once more,
he’s gone from 21 to 4.
An epic three way fight in motion,
as Jenson looks to part an ocean,
but every question finds solution,
as we spectate the revolution.
The dampened crowd now start to sing,
at the chase to overthrow the king,
a race Vettel can no more dictate,
when Jenson’s uprising shows no abate.
With a pressing sense of terror,
a slip becomes a costly error,
a dominant reign in sudden collapse,
four hours fought and 69 laps.
The fans receive the greatest prize,
a race that lit up darkened skies,
but call it skill or call it luck,
Button has it all sewn up.
Circuit de Catalunya, Spain | May 22th 2011
The scene is Barcelona,
a stage is set for war,
the running of the Bulls,
against McLaren’s matadors.
Webber may have pole,
but Alonso’s no remorse,
the roar of a home crowd,
for the charge of prancing horse.
Advance is soon suppressed,
for Ferrari’s picador,
on horns of charging Bulls,
a mighty stallion gored.
The grudge match is not over,
for toro and his faux,
the sword of Lewis raised,
with a clutch of laps to go.
As KERS begins to fail,
the bull looks in distress,
now within a second,
and the grasp of DRS.
With angst we all await,
the final blow to come,
but as the flag comes down,
the Torero is outrun.
By the sweat set on his brow,
Seb’s win has been a slog.
The victory cry less bullish,
and more like a crazy frog.
Istanbul Park, Turkey | May 8th 2011
It’s hard to really have the heart,
to pull the Turkish race apart,
but watching the events unfold,
the chase had somehow left me cold.
The DRS was far too strong,
the ease to pass now clearly wrong,
let's hope that they can draw the line,
much further down the track next time.
76 stops we had to face,
the pit crews having their own race,
cars they went but soon came back,
more in the pits than out on track.
For Massa this is all too much,
and doesn’t bother with the clutch,
or even try and press the brake,
he’s a candle short of a birthday cake.
Great battles still were lost and won,
the war of Button / Hamilton.
Alonso clearly still a star,
continues to out-drive his car.
One German’s race went rather well,
a third win notched for slick Vettel,
but magic paddle there or not,
Schumacher’s race is best forgot.
So onwards the F1 express,
that leaves behind some mixed success,
let’s see in Spain if they can stop,
this overtaking candy shop.
Shanghai, China | April 18th 2011
The F1 circus and all the pomp,
has reached the track built on a swamp.
When McLaren show up all in red,
Ferrari start to scratch their head.
Q1 done and Webber falls,
the worst result he can recall,
Petrov keeps it on the black,
but decides to park his car on track.
Vettel takes pole at his leisure,
the lap record just for good measure.
Di Resta clearly feels the Force,
in search of points he sets his course.
The lights go out but Vettel bogs,
a wounded fox set to the dogs,
he puts in a robust defence,
but down to third he is dispensed.
When Button feels a sudden thirst,
he stops off for a Red Bull first.
Jamie knows how Del Boy feels,
his Reliant Rosso on three wheels.
Hamilton stirs a driving storm,
Rosberg’s pace a touch forlorn,
as Lewis shuffles up the pack,
it looks as though the ace is back.
Hats off to Mark for Aussie grit,
until the line he never quit,
a jump from 18th up to 3rd,
and all without the help of KERS.
Our greatest thanks goes to Pirelli,
you kept us all glued to the telly,
pulses raised and tensions heightened,
spectators to the clash of titans.
Sepang, Malaysia | April 11th 2011
From qually all the teams survive,
The grid formed with the same top five,
HRT have made it through,
but at the back they join the queue.
The Renaults bolt from out the trap,
whilst Webber heads from front to back,
I doubt he’ll see the irony,
of a Red Bull with no energy.
Petrov feels like Sébastien Loeb,
And decides to take his car off road,
He makes a break with gravity,
In his private F1 WRC.
Hamilton for a double block,
takes a twenty seconds dock,
Alonso’s crash is punished akin,
for ripping off his own front wing.
When all the countless stops are done,
and finally the race is run,
Vettel and Button both can wave,
with Heidfeld, who could use a shave.
We witness that familiar grin,
as Vettel seals a dozen wins,
Schumacher watching edge of stage,
to witness a new German age.
Rain on my parade | April 1st 2011
Although he still takes centre stage,
Bernie’s begun to show his age,
On sprinklers he wants money spent,
To hide that he’s incontinent.
But Webber says that’s not a beaut,
gives Bernie a two pronged salute,
‘he’s lost blood to his head alright,
his budgie smugglers must be too tight’.
So before you head to B&Q,
Bernie, I’ve got news for you,
We’ll take a wet race when there’s rain,
F1’s a sport not a video game. |
|
Ode to the Champion | March 29th 2011
Oh old boy what have you done,
you are a seven time champion,
you were the best, we can’t deny,
but ’06 should have been goodbye.
What have you done Mr Schumacher,
it’s like the bad joke in a cracker,
you force a smile but we just groan,
and doubt you shall retake your throne.
We all hailed high at your return,
expected not the crash and burn,
two years enough with Merc GP,
for all our sakes, don’t make it three.
Albert Park, Australia | March 27th 2011
So at Melbourne we arrived,
at 5am and bleary eyed,
the splendour of ‘HD’ we cried,
EJ’s shirt colours now multiplied.
And to battle they commenced,
until Pirelli tyres were spent,
Hispania, best intentions meant,
had failed to make 1-0-7 percent.
The champion takes an opening pole,
Webber a lamenting soul,
Rubens loses all control
while Michael persists to dig a hole.
And now the race is finally here,
an opener better than Sakir,
the tension in the air is clear,
as five red lights now disappear.
On Button, Massa gets the jump,
whilst Michael takes a little bump,
Alonso 5th to 9th is dumped,
Vettel’s pace leaves the others stumped.
With one Mercedes counted out,
Rubens gives Rosberg a clout,
a drive-through given for the lout,
perhaps this old dog is worn out.
So Vettel streaks across the line,
for Lewis second does just fine,
whilst Petrov’s drive has been sublime,
but Sauber’s fate is not so kind.
A brilliant race they both have run,
but FIA will spoil their fun,
illegal wing will cause their shun,
and from the race they both are flung.
The season’s started with a bang,
and from the blocks, Vettel he sprang,
the leader of that Red Bull gang,
to be rematched next at Sepang.
|
